He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
