My boss' voice literally gives me gas
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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