I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
