there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
