I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
