so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
