he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
