so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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