i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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