On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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