the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
