When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
