I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
