How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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