he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
