If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
