Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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