Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
this hospital has no fireball
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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