My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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