Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Randomize