haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
