Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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