fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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