The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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