So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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