I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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