Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no you cant smoke seaweed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
