i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
