I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
