Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
