Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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