you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i need some magic done to my vagina
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
