Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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