Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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