she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
