Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
