So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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