Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
