Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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