My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
