would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
