Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
