I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
