Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
