it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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