That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize