She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
