We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize