I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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