im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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