Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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