Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
