found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
