actually, I'm a sock model
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize