she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
