Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
