moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
