I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
