I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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