does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
