My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
