go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
