I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
