I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
