Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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