You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
