He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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