he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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