If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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