Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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